Saturday, December 8, 2012

"Educational" posts, e-mails and tweets

The following post was taken from an e-mail sent to me by a friend. It's meant to be humorous, not for the unfortunate fact that some of these things have happened to a select few, nor that we shouldn't remain cautious and aware of our surroundings, but that the warning of the populous about them has been somewhat blown out of proportion:

As we progress into 2013, I want to thank people for their "educational" posts, e-mails and tweets over the past year. I am totally messed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I've already accumulated over the years.
I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom.
I should use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing because of rodent feces found in the glue on envelope flaps.

I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason as above.
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
My prayers only get answered if I share a post or e-mail and make a wish within five minutes.
I should feel guilty, unpatriotic, insensitive or selfish if I don't "share" a post marked "share if you agree."
I can't drink cola because it can remove toilet stains and will so the same to the enamel on my teeth.
I now keep my toothbrush in the kitchen because I was informed that water splashes over 6 feet out of the toilet. 
I don't buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer use plastic wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I don't go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

 And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to another country.
I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my bum.
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider (Brown Recluse) and my hand will fall off.

If you don't share this post with at least 149,576 people in the next 5 minutes, a large bird of prey will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your person, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician!
Oh, and by the way...

A renowned scientist, after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read posts with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.


  1. Wow. Does cola *really* get rid of toilet stains? Because I could definitely use that info. Oh, and brown recluse spiders are definitely scary. And great. Now I have to brush my teeth in the kitchen too. Next to the brown recluse spiders.

    1. I've never personally tried scrubbing my toilet with Coca Cola, but that's what I've heard anyway. The toilet thing might work with any kind of soda, but I don't know. Haven't tried. And yes, Brown Recluse freak me out!

  2. Sometimes ignorance is bliss! Very funny, Elsie. My youngest sister is a germaphobe. Her son's biggest act of defiance when he was two was to meet his mother's eyes, sit on a public floor, rub his hands along the ground, then lick them. Her reaction was always better than fireworks, Christmas, or birthday presents--at least when you're two. The lemon thing hasn't occurred to her yet. I'm going to wait until she takes a big swig of her Diet Coke!

    1. Ha ha, that's too funny about your nephew licking his "potty" hands - LOL. I'm assuming nothing ever happened to him because of it, or you would have mentioned it. I'd love to hear how the news is taken with your sister about the lemons.

  3. This is hilarious. But so very true. I can't do any of these things anymore. I had to share this post with my mom since she's even more paranoid than I am. That's where I get it from. Thanks for making things even worse! ;)

    1. I have trouble with a lot of these things too *laugh*. Glad you found some humor in reading this :)