You have a small child in your house if you . . .

This is a personal list compiled from the experiences I’ve had with my children.

You have a small child in the house if you:

- step over the pots and pans spread over the floor and which you had just put back in the cabinet five minutes prior

- have to hop over a gate at the bottom and/or top of your stairs

- have a child safety lock on every floor cabinet in the house

- put your chairs on top of the table instead of tucked underneath

- your blinds look as if they’d just been dragged through the street (assuming you have any  blinds left)

- have taken the knobs off your oven/stove, placing them in a makeshift container on the counter

- have to store away the coffee table for a time

- put your Christmas ornaments on the top half of the tree only

- vacuum your floor at least once a day (and sometimes more) to get all the Cheerios, crumbs and other spills from underfoot - or just say, “forget it, I have more pressing matters like laundry, dishes, helping with homework, fixing stuff, going to the store, preparing meals . . .”

- keep recharging the dust buster for all those little spills

- place a barricade around your computer desk or have to put the keyboard and mouse on a shelf higher than the desk

- drape blankets or towels over the book shelves (out of sight, out of mind)

- keep the bathroom door shut, even when unoccupied

- have to re-roll the toilet paper when you forget to close the bathroom door

- have to clean up the toilet water from the toilet seat and floor when you forget to close the bathroom door

- have to wash and sanitize your child’s hands after he/she has played in the toilet water when you forgot to close the bathroom door

- have sanitation available in every room of the house

- continually tell your other kids to “HUSH!” so your infant/toddler won’t wake from his/her nap too soon thus shortening your time to finally get the laundry, dishes, cleaning, cooking and everything else done

- take five hours to watch a two-hour movie

- wake up several times a night to make sure your child is covered

- wake up several times a night to put a restless child back to sleep

- wake up several times a night wondering why your child is sleeping so well

- keep a large supply of plastic grocery bags on hand for those soiled and smelly diapers

- consider a trip to the grocery store without your child a relaxing vacation

- frequently stick your finger in your child’s mouth to check if the item he/she found on the floor is edible or not - if edible, you let it ride

- occasionally find that missing bottle or “sippy” cup with less than fresh juice or milk in it, causing you to either soak it in bleach or simply throw the container out and buy a new one

- have become proficient at doing chores with one hand while holding your child in the other

- you don’t bother folding the laundry anymore because your neat little piles will invariably be destroyed within seconds anyway

- find that the folds in your vehicle’s seats contain more Cheerios than the cereal isle at the grocery store

- feel a little abandoned if there aren’t tiny hands tugging at your pants

- feel like pulling your hair out at your child’s tantrum, but then steal a kiss on his/her soft cheek when he/she finally falls asleep in your arms

"Educational" posts, e-mails and tweets

The following post was taken from an e-mail sent to me by a friend. It's meant to be humorous, not for the unfortunate fact that some of these things have happened to a select few, nor that we shouldn't remain cautious and aware of our surroundings, but that the warning of the populous about them has been somewhat blown out of proportion:

As we progress into 2013, I want to thank people for their "educational" posts, e-mails and tweets over the past year. I am totally messed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I've already accumulated over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public restroom.
 

I should use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing because of rodent feces found in the glue on envelope flaps.

I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason as above.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

My prayers only get answered if I share a post or e-mail and make a wish within five minutes.

I should feel guilty, unpatriotic, insensitive or selfish if I don't "share" a post marked "share if you agree."

I can't drink cola because it can remove toilet stains and will so the same to the enamel on my teeth.
 

I now keep my toothbrush in the kitchen because I was informed that water splashes over 6 feet out of the toilet. 

I don't buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use plastic wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I don't go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

 And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to another country.

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my bum.
 

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider (Brown Recluse) and my hand will fall off.

If you don't share this post with at least 149,576 people in the next 5 minutes, a large bird of prey will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your person, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician!

Oh, and by the way...

A renowned scientist, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read posts with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late. 

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A NICE DAY!

Third Grade Apple Recipes

The Sustany Foundation:
http://sustany.org/buzz/2013-list-of-dirty-dozen-fruits-and-veggies/ripe-red-apple-with-green-leaf-isolated-on-white/ 

Earlier this year, my mother was organizing and cleaning her home when she came across an apple-shaped cookbook filled with apple recipes. I’d given it to her when I was in elementary school. The book was compiled by the students of Mrs. Cerioni’s third grade class at Oakhurst Elementary in Oakhurst, California. (I think it was 1985, or there about). The recipes obtained from our parents were copied down in our own handwriting. I’ve typed them out UNEDITED as they were written. I left punctuation and spelling as it appeared in the book, making for some cute and precious writing. They are listed in alphabetical order by the student’s last name. Words in italics are my own comments. Despite the spelling flaws and sometimes confusing directions, all the recipes sound yummy and fun. I hope you enjoy them!

Debby Anne Adams

Applesauce Fruit Bread

2 cups golden raisins

1½ cups flour

1/2 cup brown sugar

1/2 cup white sugar

1 tsp. ground cloves, cinnamon, allspice + salt

1 cup hazelnuts or walnuts

1 tsp. baking powder

4 tbs melted butter

1 cup cool thick applesauce

toss raisins in flour add the sugars, seasoning, nuts and baking powder. Beat the butter into the thick applesauce, pour into other ingredients. butter and flour and place waxpaper on bottom of pan Bake at 300 1 ½ hours

(In the years following third grade, Debby became a grammar QUEEN despite these humble beginnings with punctuation - LOL)

Sarah Belle Andrews (Sarah’s recipe was the only one with no mistakes – way to go, Sarah! A+)

Apple Crisp

                        4 cups sliced pared tart apples (about 4 medium)

                        2/3 to 3/4 cup brown sugar (packed)

                        1/2 cup flour

                        1/2 cup oats

                        3/4 tsp cinnamon

                        1/3 cup butter (softened)

Heat oven to 375. Grease square pan, 8x8x2”. Place apple slices in pan. Mix remaining ingredients thoroughly. Sprinkle over apples. Bake 30 minutes or until apples are tender & topping is golden brown. Serve warm & with ice cream.

Christine Bonnel (I love the “short and sweet” approach – my kind of recipe *smile*)

Fresh Apple Cake

                        1/2 cup oil, 2 eggs

                        2 cups sugar, 2 tsp vanilla

Mix and add

                        2 cups flour, 1 tsp salt,

                        1 tsp baking soda, 2 tsp cinnamon

Mix well fold in 4 cups of unpealed apples and 1½ cups of chopped walnuts. Spread evenly in greased 9x13”pan bake in 350 oven for 45 minutes or until done.

           

Jamie Lynn Burtle

Apple Pizza (Pizza of ANY kind is a good thing – great idea, Jamie!)

                        apples, sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg.

Double pie crust

                        1/2 cup sugar

                        1 teaspoon cinnamon

                        1/2 teasoon (teaspoon) nutmeg

(Crumb to go on top)

                        1/2 cup margaine (margarine)

                        1/2 cup sugar

                        3/4 cups flour

            mix it and crumbly topping, sprinkle over pizza cook at 450 for 30 min.

Rori Cerioni (it wasn’t until I went to Italy that I REALLY learned how to pronounce Cerioni)

            Fruit Torte

                        1 16 crushed vanilla wafers (probably means 16 crushed wafers makes 1 cup *grin*)

                        2c powdered sugar

                        1c butter or margarine

                        4 eggs separated

                        Desired Fruit

                        Small carton of whipping cream or cool whip

Line 9x13 inch pan with ½ the crumbs. In bowl beat together until fluffy, powdered sugar and butter add beaten egg yolks. Beat egg whites until stiff, add to sugar and butter mixture. Spread this over crumbs. Next add a layer of fruit, any fruit is good if using canned or frozen drain well, sugar if unsweetened. Top this layer with either whipping cream or cool whip cover with remaining crumbs and chill several hours.

(not bad for being in her mom’s class – love ya Rori! )

Joshua R. Ellis (sweet little Josh switched his fraction numbers throughout the recipe - 2\1 should be 1/2, but it’s the thought that counts *smile*)

            Apple-Orange Brownies

                        ingredients

                        6 Table spoons butter

                        1 cup brown sugar

                        2\1 cup applesauce

                        1 teaspoon shredded orange peel

                        1 beaten egg

                        1 teaspoon vanilla

                        4\1 cup flour

                        1 teaspoon baking powder

                        2\1 teaspoon salt

                        4\1 teaspoon soda

                        2\1 cup chopped walnuts

cook till butter melted – brown sugar, applesauce, orange peel, egg + vanilla. Sift together flour, baking powder, salt soda. Stir into sauce pan. Stir in walnuts. Spread in greased 15x 10x inch pan. Bake at 350 for 15 minutes. While warm top with orange glaze: combine

1 2\1 cup sugar

2\1 teaspoon vanilla

2 Tablespoon orange Juice

                       

Ty Fletcher

            Apple Chip Coffee Cake

                        *2 tbsp sugar    *1 egg

                        *2 c bisquick    *3/4 c milk

                        1/2 c brown sugar         *1 c chopped pared apples

                        1/2 c chopped Brazil nuts

                        2 tbsp vegetable oil

                        1 tbsp bisquick

                        1/2 tsp cinnamon

Heat oven to 400. blend ingredients marked with * spread batter in greased 9” pan sprinkle with mixture of 1/2 c brown sugar packed, 2 tbsp bisquick 2 tbsp vegetable oil, 1/2 c cinnamon (I’m sure he meant 1/2 teaspoon, not cup –  that would be a TON of cinnamon – LOL) Bake 20 to 25 min. 8 servings.

Ruby Hammond

            Apple oat meal cookies (love it – oat meal, instead of oatmeal – so cute)

                        1/2 cup butter, 1 cup sugar

                        1/2 teaspoon salt, 1 teaspoon baking powder, 1 egg

                        1 cup oats, 1 cup flour

                        2 cup, shreaded apples (2 med Apples)

                        1/2 cup raisins, 1 teaspoon cinnamon

                        1/2 teaspoon cloves, 1/2 cup nuts (chopped fine If desired)

Mix together well, drop by wet spoon on ungreased Cookie sheet bake at 375 or until brown

Matthew James Hashim

            Apple-Celery-Peanut Salad

                        4 apples, cored & diced (preferably red skinned)

                        6 medium stalks celery, thinly sliced crosswise.

                        4 1.2 oz. packages of salted peanuts.

(not sure what the 1.2 means, but I'm guessing 1/2)

                        2-3 tablespoons lemon juice mayonnaise.

(He meant lemon juice and mayo as separate ingredients, unless, of course, there’s a lemon juice mayonnaise I'm unaware of)

Toss diced apples with lemon juice. Add celery and peanuts. Stir in enough mayonnaise to make salad moist (but not sloppy) (“sloppy,” that made me laugh)

Chas Milo Huston

            Apple Pie

                        Basic Pastry dough for 9-inch two-crust pie

Preheat oven to 425. Line 9” pie pan with half pastry dough. Mix 3/4-1 c sugar, 1/2 tsp salt 1 teaspoon cinnamon, 1/2 tsp. nutmeg and 1½ T flour in a large bowl. Peel, core, and slice 6 firm tart apples and toss them in the sugar mixture coating them well Pile them in to the lined pan and dot with the Butter Roll out the top cut and drape it over the pie crimp the edges and cut vents in the top. (WOW, that’s detailed! Great directions, Chas!) Bake 10 minutes them lower heat to 350 Bake 30-40 minutes more.

Julie Anne James

            Apple Cake

1½ c mashed cooked applis (cute spelling of apples). While still hot add: 1 cube (1/2 c) margarine or butter, 1c. sugar, 1tsp cinnamon, 1/2tsp nutmeg 1/8 tsp cloves. 1/8tsp ginger Cool & add :2 c flour, 1/2 tsp salt, 1 tsp baking soda & 2 eggs (slightly beaten) mix, then add: 1c nuts 1c. raisins or dates (optional) bake at 350 for 45 or 50 min in 9” sq. greased & floured pan. Frost with favorite icing.

Ricky Johnson (Ricky put periods at the end of every ingredient. What an efficient boy!)

            Danish Apple Pudding

                        1/2 cup graham Cracker crumbs.

1/3 cups of butter.

                        2 cups apple sauce.

                        1/4 tsp salt.

                        1 tbsp lemon Juice.

                        1/2 tsp cinnamon.

                        1 cup whipping cream.

saute (Wow, he used a sophisticated word! I didn't know the word sauté until about high school) gently until evenly browned. Blend the graham Crackers and butter lined greased 8inch square pan, With half crumb mixture and mix apple sauce salt lemon juice and cinnamon. Pour half of this mixture over crumbs and remaining applesauce. Top with sweetened whipped cream and cill (chill). Serves about 6

Jason Jon Kissee

            Apple Pie Crisp

                        4c. Sliced pared tart apples

1/4c. orange juice

                        1c. sugar

                        3/4 c. sifted all-purpose flour.

                        1/2 tsp cinnamon

                        1/4 tsp nutmeg.

Dash salt

Place apple in buttered 9”. Pie plate, sprinkle with orange Juice combine in butter till mixture is crumbly (I think he skipped the part about mixing the sugar, flour, cinnamon and nutmeg before working in the butter – but we’ll forgive him *smile*) sprinkle over apples. Bake at 375 for 45, minutes or till apples are tender and topping is crisp. serve warm with cream. Makes 6, serving.

Megan Marquardt (Okay, the spelling throughout this recipe is just TOO DANG CUTE! Loved it, Megan!)

            Apple Crisp

                        1/2 cup quick cooking rololed (rolled oats)

                        1/2 cup packed brown sugar

                        1/4 cup all puipose (purpose) flour

                        1/2 teaspoon giound cinnamom (ground cinnamon)

                        Dash salt

                        1/4 cup of butter

                        6 mediuwn (medium) apples

In mixing bowl conbine (combine) four (flour) cinnamon and salt Mix in bown (bowl) till mixtuwu (mixture) is crumbly. Set uside (aside) peel and core apples then slice apples into bottom of baking dish. Sprnkle (Sprinkle) the flowr (flour) mixture over the top. Bake at 350 for about 40 min. or until apples tests done with fork. Serve with whipped cream. Makes 6 servings

Tammi Martinez (Tammi used semi-colons in this one – what an advanced little kid!)

            Baked apples

Core 6 large baking apples ; pared cut off top of each. Place in 10X6x 1½ inch baking dish. Fill apples with 3/4 cup raisins of chopped dates. Combine 1 cup brown sugar, 1 cup water, 2 tablespoons butter 1/2 teaspoons ground nutmeg ; bring to boil. Pour hot syrup around apples. Bake uncovered at 350 about 60 minuets, basting occasianally. (Yes, Tammi misspelled “occasionally” only getting one letter wrong, but I always slaughtered that word.) Serve with cream Serves 6.

           

Kelly Minkler (Kelly used more periods in his ingredient list than in his directions – NICE)

            Apple Crisp

                        1C. rolled oats

                        1 C. brown sugar packed

                        8T. floar (cute spelling)

                        1/2tsp. nutmeg.

                        Dash of salt

                        8T. butter (1 cube)

                        6C. sliced peeled apples

Mix together first six ingredients. Cut in soft britter (butter) Set aside Put 1/4 of oat mixture on bottom of buttered 8x8 pan. Place apple slices over oat mixture sprinkle remaining oat mixture over apple slices Bake at 350 for 45 minutes. Can serve warm with ice cream

catherine murphy (in the book, sweet Catherine didn't capitalize her name, so I didn't either – hey, maybe she likes it that way)

            Apple Sauce

                        4 medium cooking apples

                        1 cup water

                        1/2 cup brown sugar

                        1/4 Teaspoon cinnamon

                        1/8 Teaspoon nutmeg

Heat apples and water over medium heat boiling. Reduce heat, simmer stirring. occasionally 5 to 10 minutes or until tender stir in brown sugar, cinnamon, and nutmeg, heat to boiling. makes about 4 cups

Farrah Powell (I love the“what you need” and “what you do” directions - so sweet and informative)

            Saucy Spicy Apple Sauce

            what you need

                        two 8 ounce jars of apple sauce

                        1/4 cup orange juice

                        1/4 teaspoon cinnamon

            what you do

put applesauce into large bolb (bowl) Add orange juice and cinnamon mix well sprinkle with nutmeg clean up (she’s the only one who mentioned cleaning up – LOL) chill and serve in small dishes to your buddies. Makes enough for your friends. (so amiable -  I love it!)

Elsie Rees (Oh boy, here’s mine . . . I had issues with capitalization, spelling AND commas *tsk tsk*)

            apple Dessert

                        four cups sliced apples

                        1 cup orange juice

                        3/4 cup flour

                        1/3 tsp. cinnamon

                        1/2 cup butter or margarine

slice apples in small pan add orange juice, mix dry ingredients and cut up butter until mixture is crumbly. Then scatter over apples. Bake 350 for 45 mixtire. (yep, that's right, I seriously misspelled minutes) Serve warm. Serves six.

Matthew David Sebastian (I love Matt’s directions – brief and to the point – LOL)

            Apple Pie

                        Crust

                        2 cups of flowr (my little girl spells it this way too – way cute)

                        1½ t. salt

                        1/2 cup of oil

                        5 t. of water

            Mix together into ball. Split in half. Roll out into circle. Put in pan.

                        Pie

                        10 cup of apples sliced

                        1 cup of suger

                        3 t. of corn starch

                        4 t. of cinnamon

                        2 t. of nutmeg

                        3 t. lemon juice

                        3 t. butter

            Put apples in pie Cook at 400 for 45 minutes

Nancy Shockley (There weren't many mistakes in Nancy’s recipe – Way to go! High five!)

            Apple Walnut cobbler

1/2 cup sugar

                        1/2 tsp cinnamon

                        3/4 cup coarse chopped walnuts

                        4 cups sliced apple

                        1/4 cup water

                        1 cup sifted flour

                        1 cup sugar

                        1 tsp baking powder

                        1/4 tsp salt

                        1 well beaten egg

                        1/2 cup evaporated milk

                        1/2 cup butter or margarine (melted)

Place apple in battom (bottom) of greased 8” or 9” baking dish. Sprinkle with 1/4 cup sugar cinnamon and 1/2 cup walnuts. Sprinkle over apple. Mix dry ingredients. Combine egg, milk & butter, add dry ingredients all at once and mix until smooth. Pour over apples, sprinkle with remaining walnuts Bake at 325 about 50 minutes. Servewith (Serve with) cinnamon topped with whipped cream.

Harmony Esta Stern (This one was great! Short but instructive – WAY CUTE!)

            Dried Apple Slices

Peeland (Peel and) wash apples. Slice into 1/4 inch thick slices. Place on small screen in direct sunlight. Ready in one day (summer). Takes longer in colder weather (LOL – I love it!). May be dried in oven (low heat). When dry, place in zip lock bags.

Sarah Marie Thacker

            Apple Muffins

            Blend: 1/4 cup soft shorting (LOL – I like “shorting”) 1/2 cup sugar then add: 1½ cups flour, 3 tsp. baking powder, 1/2 tsp salt 1/2 tsp cinnamon grated raw unpared apples. Fill greased or paper-lined muffin tins. Bake at 400 for 20-25 min. yields about 12 medium sized muffins.

Skye Whitfield (Skye’s recipe took up 4 or 5 pages in the little book,  and they were in the wrong order. It took me a while to straighten them out)

            Apple-Filled oatmeal cookies

                        1 cup all-purpose flour

                        1 teaspoon baking poader (powder)

1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1/8 teaspoon ground cloves

1/2 cup butter of margarine

                        1/2 cup packed brown sugar

                        1 egg

                        1/4 cup milk

                        3/4 cup quick-cooking rolled (oats?)

                       

Grease cookie sheet. Prepare filling. Combine flour, baking powder, spices and 1/8 teaspoon salt. Beat butter for 30 seconds; add brown sugor (sugar) and beat till fluffy. Add eggs; beat well. Add dry ingredients and milk alternately, beating after each addition. Stir in oats. Drop from a teaspoon onto cookie sheet. Make depression in center of each: fill with a teaspoon of apple filling

            apple filling

combine 1/2 cups finely diced peeled apple 1/2 cup granulated sugar 1/3 cup raisins 1/3 cup chopped pecans and two tablespoonswater (tablespoons water) Cook and stir till thick and apple is tender